Motherhood – the first moments

Wow…where do I start? When people say parenthood will change your lives, I really didn’t expect it to change this much, and this way. As much as you try to read and prepare yourself, it’s just not enough and wildly different in reality. I thought with the amount i read and prepared, I would at least be ok, but i wasn’t. I thought that given my experience of being a pre-school assistant teacher, I should be ok, but I wasn’t.

I’ll leave the delivery process to another post, it’s probably one on its own and I’ll jump to how things were like in the first month.

Before giving birth, I was quite sure I wouldn’t get post partum depression, for I’ve always had a strong mind. I was also sure I would love the journey because it’s been my life dream to have kids! And I was finally having one. but somehow, i still fell a little into the postpartum blues, and i actually hated the first month of motherhood.

Let’s start with the very first moment when baby J was born….

When she first came out and I took my first look at her…I saw how much she looked like me, and somehow i felt repulsed. I felt repulsed because I always wanted my kids to look like H (because i think he has better genes/ facial features) and I actually felt upset that she looked like me. Like it was my own insecurities…I always looked at myself in disgust and feel like “I’m ugly”. Maybe I never opened up about this much but H knows how low confidence I actually am about my looks. And that’s how pregnancy took an even bigger toll on me in that aspect. So when I saw that she looked like me, I felt a tinge of sadness. And that’s how I would describe my first moment. It wasn’t “magical” like all the social media posts description. It wasn’t one where it was full of “love”.

In fact, I looked at her and wondered “is she really my daughter?” Yes she looks like me so she is.” “But how did this stranger just appeared out of nowhere.” “I literally grew a cell to a human”.

I felt like she was a stranger still though as much as all things point to her being “related” to me. By blood and by looks of course. I felt no “connection”, it was one created because i KNOW for a fact she is my daughter, bc she came out of me. And i felt like, maybe something was wrong with me.

“Why do all the other mothers describe their delivery and first moments with their kids as such a loving one?” But it wasn’t like this for me.

I actually feared sharing how I felt cause I didn’t want people to think I’m some heartless person who didn’t “love” my daughter, this is esp in stark contrast to what social media puts out there. I didn’t even tell my own husband, because for him, it was probably “love and joy”, and all the positive emotions which already started since my pregnancy. He was already sprouting kisses to her, even faster than how we had our first kiss. I watched him and thought “I guess this is how parental love is supposed to be”. It seems so natural for him, but it just wasn’t for me.

And in the first month of motherhood, that love didn’t develop much. In fact, I was so burnt out, it could have even dropped….(I’ll continue what happened in the first month in another post) Shall stop here today…but in summary, my first moments of motherhood was nothing near to magical and happiness.

I first shared it with Y, and I really wondered if it was something wrong with me. A few days back, she shared this post with me and I guess maybe I wasn’t the only one, so I plucked up the courage to write about it as well. Just for a personal diary, and for maybe if anyone else comes across this post – to know you’re not the only one.

https://graziadaily.co.uk/life/parenting/i-didnt-love-my-daughter-straight-away/

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t hate my daughter. I still felt a strong instinct to care for her and make sure she was well-fed/ not crying. But it felt like one that stemmed from responsibility, not love. At least not yet.