Before this year, I had a lot of different principles on how weddings should be, and how I want my marriage plans to be.
I planned it all out in my head. I wanted H to propose by 2018. Have 2 good slow years to plan the wedding. I wanted to get married by 2020, then have a kid in 2022, and not any earlier. I wanted to have a good 2 years of married honeymoon period, without kids. I wanted to spend more time traveling. alone with H. because traveling with kids will be SOOOOOOOOOOOO tiring.
I even planned our wedding date. I wanted it to be 7 Nov 2020. yeap that’s in a few months.
But everything was just in my own head.
I never told h, I just expected so. And until today, I actually find it hard to talk about it, cause it’s something I feel quite emotional about. Like I feel sad and disappointed that things didn’t go the way I planned it to, to the extent that I would still tear thinking about it. But really I have no one to blame except myself for planning everything in my own head right? when it’s really about two people.
But just earlier this year (or was it late last year), H decided that he wanted to get married next year. And so I guess it meant proposal this year?
It really isn’t the most ideal to me because I wanted him to propose earlier so that we could drag out the wedding planning process because I felt like that would be something that could bond us. like to make us closer/ gives us something to fill our weekends. and also, because I’ve heard of the horror stories of couples rushing to plan their wedding and ending up being very unhappy. So to tell me I only have 1 year to my wedding felt too short to me. But on the other hand, because it dragged so long that I forwent having the 2 year gap, like ah fine let’s just get married earlier. But things aren’t any better now because we’re like at the end of August, h has yet to propose so I think we’re going to have less than 1 year to even plan……..
so ignoring that, I was all like “ah fine never mind I’m sure I can handle it”.
BUT NOW, recently, we had some fengshui advice… which needed us to change some of our wedding plans, which even involved the thought of having a kid early….
That’s just quite a straw on the back because that literally meant the WHOLE plan I laid out (above) is totally going to be ruined. I don’t have my 2 years of planning. I don’t have my 2 years of honeymoon period & traveling. Fine, the traveling part should be a small gripe because others have it harder so I shouldn’t even be complaining, but COVID-19 has also set my travel plans with H back. including our (Middle East) pre-wedding photography which we were planning for THIS DECEMBER. It can’t be done next year IF H wants to marry next year because any other month is too hot to hold a photoshoot in the Middle East….
AND who knows if the virus is even cleared next year. Many of the uncertainties means that it’s hard to book anything cause venue size, number of guests etc are things unknown.
H and I have also informally consulted H’s parents about their expectations/ requirements of a wedding (aka all the Chinese traditions) and they literally want EVERYTHING. EVERY SINGLE CHINESE TRADITION. sigh. and I just felt a little frustrated at everything, because everything wasn’t what I wanted or planned it to be. It’s not that I don’t like having the Chinese traditions, I don’t mind it. But it was an accumulation of “things not going as planned” that created this feeling of unhappiness.
Having said that, I recently read an article, and the author talked about how your guests won’t remember how your wedding went, but your parents would. and so to fight with them over the details of the wedding, the effects are forever. You’re still going to have to face them. Details of the wedding really don’t matter. Ultimately, it’s about your marriage. and as H mentioned, parents’ wishes with regards to the wedding is really just about “protecting” the son’s marriage. H’s parents wanted all the Chinese traditions because that’s their belief that doing all these = a happy marriage.
So that calmed me a little, to rethink things. These few days, amidst my frustrations whenever things don’t go my way, I’ve been trying to think of a plan. But really, it’s me planning all these in my head again, isn’t it? And also a part of me is making myself learn that, sometimes things just don’t go your way. You just have to accept it. That maybe, as much as I wished or planned all these, life will just throw you things that change your path. It’s just how you adapt, and then make a new plan.
We got a plan! We’re just going to have two days of “wedding”. One for the chinese traditions and another for the church solemnisation.